THE FLOOR IS LAVA

I feel like "a fisher of men". I've cast the net wide and have met many amazing guys. Some I've seen face to face, some, I plan to meet one day, and some I might never meet.

In this intersection of paths, wills, and explorations I've been learning a lot about myself. Seeing who I become around different people, revealing to myself some of my quirks and habits, and ways of behaving around people I've just gotten to know, or have been trying to impress.

I feel as if different people bring out different aspects of my personality and ways of being. My intention and actions always come from a genuine place, and a desire to be as open and honest as possible.

The situation of dating and exploring with different guys is one that I reflect on a lot, and also one that I don't share too often, especially not publicly, as I feel shy/awkward about putting some of these situations/ inner workings of my mind out there, for fear of others' raised eyebrows or judgements.

I'm not into the idea of giving people certain play by plays as I respect the privacy of the gentlemen involved. Rather, its my own general thoughts on the situation(s) I find myself in that I'm more interested in sharing.

Perhaps even that feels weird, as I choose to do this publicly, and there's a real possibility that some involved in my life will get some insight into my inner workings that perhaps I'm not comfortable inviting them into. But at the same time I want to lessen opportunities for manipulation whenever possible, and hide next to nothing. Is that a worthwhile goal, that kind of vulnerability? I think so, though not always sure about wanting it or my reasons for pursuing it.

More to write here, perhaps the addition of some hopeful spin or exclamation, but this'll be it for now :)

HORN OF PLENTY

I finally decided to take a kind of leap and bring many of my friends, specifically those on facebook into the loop in terms of some of my activities, thoughts, views, and perspectives on myself and my surroundings. There are those who think of me as a private person, but really, I'm simply selective in terms of what I choose to share in various circumstances. True, I've chosen to keep this blog and my tweets public. I have also wanted some small amount of compartmentalization in my life at this time, be it at work, or even in my social life, and because of that, I've decided to create a second facebook account. I know, to those that have decided to shut down or limit their accounts, this must sound horrible :O.

My new profile is connected to my twitter account, but also to my tumblr (my paintings and other creations) and my instagram/statigram account (@hawkshep: daily randomness as well as a look at my growing shoe collection :P). I'm hoping to create facebook specific posts as well in the coming weeks and beyond.

In the last few days I've been a bit overwhelmed in this "coming-out" and sharing process, and wonder whether I'm taking a lot on, in terms of all the online avenues that I want to contribute content to. Reflecting on it though, I'm seeing this "spreading out" as a creation of many options for sharing, no matter what my mood, whatever I might feel like postiing. There'll be a place for all the ten thousand things. :D

ART WHORE

I've been meaning to put all my pup paintings & photo manipulations in one place for a while, and have created a tumblr for my art-related exhibitionism. Edging towards an adult, NSFW status here :P

www.HawkShep.tumblr.com

fab DOG

Last month, I tweeted that'd I'd taken part in an interview for a fab magazine article by Scott Dagostino. I forgot to post the link here! Check it out :D



http://www.fabmagazine.com/story/i-wanna-be-your-dog

HAWK UNMASKED

It's been too long since my last post. I've been sharing a lot about myself lately though on twitter and been having a blast with that. I keep the company of a lot of openminded guys there, some of whom are porn stars, exhibitionists, kinksters, free spirits, and the like. They've inspired me to share more, and to let go of my desire to hide and censor myself. Not only am I finding myself sharing racier, personal stuff, kinks and secret desires, I'm also seeing the joy in living with more freedom and less shame. I'm celebrating my body and my sexuality. It's an work in progress, just like so many other things, but I feel like I'm definitely going in the right direction. In the coming days I'll be posting some long overdue artwork and maybe a pic or two of me as well. Autumn is coming, and it's time to bring in the harvest, lol.



If you are on twitter, try tweeting #10FactsAboutMe or better still #10DirtyFactsAboutMe. Not only is it liberating, you might find, as I did, that you'll learn something new about yourself :) FUN.

CLOTHING OPTIONAL EVERYTHING

It seems lately that I've found myself with many opportunities to opt for public nakedness. The more I've done it, the more comfortable I've become. Going to the clothing optional beach here was a good start, and some of my trips there have definitely been the highlights of this summer. Naked Night at the Black Eagle in Toronto last Thursday was a great experience too. It seems I've got a lot of nudies in my circle of friends as of late. :D Some of those guys have barely seen me clothed! This weekend I attended one of the best parties ever. It involved a Hawaiian theme & a group of some of the hottest/friendliest people I've ever met. We wore grass skirts (eventually even less ;)), ate awesome grilled meat & upside-down pineapple cake, and got 'leid'. I can't remember the last time I felt such exuberance and joy at a social gathering. It wasn't just the nakedness, but that was an awesome bonus.

Why this post? I'm not trolling for converts or anything, I guess I'm just celebrating my own journey through this. Yes, it's been "freeing" and helped me move further along on my path to be alright with what I look like naked. The best part of it has been the opportunity to hide myself less, not just from behind clothes, but also emotionally. Somehow I've felt more open, and less worried about what people think of me.

I know I write about that a lot. The whole being liked and accepted thing. Those fears and limits are at the forefront of my mind and the battle is on! Maybe a better word than battle is playground. My retreat to Algonquin Park is coming up soon and I can't wait. Although the activities there will involve clothing, a lot of the people attending will have already seen me naked (lol, sounds dirty). I'm seeing my trip to Camp Feral as an opportunity to play more in the great outdoors, and to leave behind some of the play-dramas of my mind! Yay :D

FUNLAND

Surprise! More confusion, more clarity, transformation, and smut! Also lately a kind of letting go of some concerns for "decorum".

A while back I wrote a tweet where I declared my impatience/frustration with my near universal desire to fit in to others' perceived expectations of me, to be loved and accepted etc.

Phrases like "be yourself" and "it doesn't matter what others think" and "if they don't like you fuck 'em!" are kind of cliché. I hear them a lot, and everyone agrees they're a good idea, but they're seldom really applied and lived by. We admire the few people that live by them IF we happen also to approve of their choices and accomplishments.

I have made choices here to conduct/share myself in a certain way. I write certain stuff here, certain things on twitter, other things about myself on facebook, some things in private journals, some things I only would say to a close friend and still other things to no one at all.

Again I'm faced with the daunting task of consolidating all my different avenues of expression. I'm tired of separating it all yet still afraid of breaking down those boundaries.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time at the beach with some great friends, and for whatever reason, having spent that time mostly naked and with others either into pup play or furry, I seem to have busted through a few of my blocks/fears around being judged for how I look naked. It's about time!

I finally did a pup night tonight in just a hood, mitts & jock and it felt great. (I might have even lost the jock for a bit). I'm kind of amazed at how far it all went tonight, but pleased as well. Also happy that I feel comfortable enough to share it here. Time to let go of bullshit illusions like "mystique" or fears of being labeled a "slut". Coincidentally I did label someone that tonight with my trusty Sharpie. A back makes a great canvas!

Hopefully I'll be inspired to write here more often. I've gotten some great feedback and I really appreciate it!

More to come! More to cum!