I've had the pleasure of housesitting for the last few weeks and have experienced what's felt like a mini vacation. I've had time to reflect on some things and remind myself of the stuff that's important to me.
Going forward I want to continue this experience of reflection, regeneration and renewal. Time to take better care of myself. More sleep, more exercise, more spring water, healthier food choices, more joy.
I've been thinking about the qualities I value in myself and others. Last night at pup night I spent some quiet time to myself on the mat, despite being surrounded by about a dozen pups.
Afterwards, some people shared their observations of my behavior and asked about my mindset and experience of that night.
It made me think about the assumptions we make about other people. Both the people we know and the ones we don't. I want to nurture my sense of curiousity and refrain from "filling in the blanks" when I interact with people. Even the ones I know well.
I want to be seen and appreciated for who I am in the moment. And I want to offer the same to those that I choose to interact and spend time with.
The interactions I have with those that see me through a narrow filter are not so interesting to me. I in turn want to share myself at a level that's as honest and straightforward as possible. I want to paint a clear picture. Those who choose to will then see me for the pup I am :)
Friday, 13 April 2012
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Sunday, 4 March 2012
DOG DRAMA
Lately I've been reflecting on how sharing my pup self with others has been a lot like my coming out experience. I worked on some paintings this week which feature some pup elements, and I've been feeling stressed about people seeing them at the opening this week because I've been afraid of answering their questions about the work and revealing myself further.
I'm realizing that it's not so much their possible reactions I fear. I'm being affected by the feelings and emotions that come from encompassing, embracing and integrating aspects of myself, and the choice to be more public about that self. I stumbled upon a blog post I wrote many years ago, and was amused to see that it still very much rings true for me. I've included it here:
Fucking Faggot
There was a time that I removed myself from gay culture. Most gay men in the gay community triggered me. I judged all their choices. I judged how some gay men talked, what they talked about, how they dressed, how they spent their money, how they spent their time. I judged their choices around relationships, their views on the world. I judged their outrageousness. I couldn't understand how some people could celebrate these gay men.
After I came out at 19, I hardly hid my sexual preferences from anyone, and yet, I began a journey of controlling my actions, my appearance, in a direction that I thought was acceptable for a gay man to exhibit. Sure, there were many that found me and saw me at times as flamboyant and "gay", but I strived to be all those things to a certain degree, to the "right" amount. I thought of myself as an example to all of how all gay men should be. I created an ideal in my mind, did my best to emulate it, and then wished everyone else would too. I cringed at gay men who acted "gayer"(!) than me, as I thought of them as giving all gay men a bad name. I thought, they were the ones responsible for encouraging hate and homophobia, separation, confusion and miscommunication and misunderstanding.
I came to seperate myself from the gay community at large and only interacted with "enlightened" gay men, who saw themselves as better than those "other" gay men. Yet again, I went up the mountain, shunning those who did things differently. There was a benefit at the time to surround myself with the like-minded. I needed them to support my illusion. I needed the gift of time before I could jump.
These gay men triggered me. Made me angry. I wanted to shake them, to shut them up.
The journey was a long one, with many twists and turns, but I have now come to see the amazing reflection they were and are to me of my fears around my sexuality, of my choice to manifest as a gay man, of my fears around being an outcast, not good enough, bad, unlovable, alone, rejected, damaged. Yes, there is a lot of healing and growth needed within the gay community (they've taken on the guilt of the world), and I am one who's chosen to assist those who choose to work with me, on their journies of self-love, acceptance and self-empowerment. I've realized though, that the most significant way that I can be of assistance is through the example of myself. Those illusions and fears I have seen my way through, I can then assist others through.
I so appreciate all gay men, for the work that they have done and continue to do. They are triggering all of society to look at its fears around sexuality, the feminine, the masculine, the illusions of gender and appearance, promisquity, alternative relationships and partnerships, harm, pain, pleasure...and so much more. They have come in to play with me, to trigger me, just as I have triggered others. I have brought out the uncomfortableness and fear of others just by being myself. I celebrate them, and I celebrate myself.
Of course, so many others in society are reflecting back to us all of these illusions, fears, and our limiting belief structures. They're just doing it in their own unique way, blasting themselves through consciousness like a speeding train.
There are many times that I'm uncomfortable with the choices that people make around me, gay or straight. More and more though, I'm choosing to encompass all choice. To see the benefit of all directions. To see myself in the gay-basher, the uncomfortable straight man, the furious homophobe, the indifferent observer, the gay snob, the screaming queen, the leather-daddy, the abuser, the dog-slave, the gay husband, the gay country-couple, the drag queen, the straight-to-bed guy, the boy-toy, the AIDS patient, the closeted husband, the nelly, the fag, the faggot, the queer, the fudge-packer, the cocksucker, the top, the bottom, the healer, the lover, the Saviour, the Messiah, the Messenger...the limitless roles, characters, beings, under the sky and moon, in all the cracks and valleys of the universe.
I wish to encompass all of these and so many others I didn't mention, and to remove all of my judgment around these roles, these masks and illusions. My journey of full appreciation is not complete yet, but I'm on my way, walking down a hall of mirrors, pausing before each one to kiss it, before I move on.
I'm realizing that it's not so much their possible reactions I fear. I'm being affected by the feelings and emotions that come from encompassing, embracing and integrating aspects of myself, and the choice to be more public about that self. I stumbled upon a blog post I wrote many years ago, and was amused to see that it still very much rings true for me. I've included it here:
Fucking Faggot
There was a time that I removed myself from gay culture. Most gay men in the gay community triggered me. I judged all their choices. I judged how some gay men talked, what they talked about, how they dressed, how they spent their money, how they spent their time. I judged their choices around relationships, their views on the world. I judged their outrageousness. I couldn't understand how some people could celebrate these gay men.
After I came out at 19, I hardly hid my sexual preferences from anyone, and yet, I began a journey of controlling my actions, my appearance, in a direction that I thought was acceptable for a gay man to exhibit. Sure, there were many that found me and saw me at times as flamboyant and "gay", but I strived to be all those things to a certain degree, to the "right" amount. I thought of myself as an example to all of how all gay men should be. I created an ideal in my mind, did my best to emulate it, and then wished everyone else would too. I cringed at gay men who acted "gayer"(!) than me, as I thought of them as giving all gay men a bad name. I thought, they were the ones responsible for encouraging hate and homophobia, separation, confusion and miscommunication and misunderstanding.
I came to seperate myself from the gay community at large and only interacted with "enlightened" gay men, who saw themselves as better than those "other" gay men. Yet again, I went up the mountain, shunning those who did things differently. There was a benefit at the time to surround myself with the like-minded. I needed them to support my illusion. I needed the gift of time before I could jump.
These gay men triggered me. Made me angry. I wanted to shake them, to shut them up.
The journey was a long one, with many twists and turns, but I have now come to see the amazing reflection they were and are to me of my fears around my sexuality, of my choice to manifest as a gay man, of my fears around being an outcast, not good enough, bad, unlovable, alone, rejected, damaged. Yes, there is a lot of healing and growth needed within the gay community (they've taken on the guilt of the world), and I am one who's chosen to assist those who choose to work with me, on their journies of self-love, acceptance and self-empowerment. I've realized though, that the most significant way that I can be of assistance is through the example of myself. Those illusions and fears I have seen my way through, I can then assist others through.
I so appreciate all gay men, for the work that they have done and continue to do. They are triggering all of society to look at its fears around sexuality, the feminine, the masculine, the illusions of gender and appearance, promisquity, alternative relationships and partnerships, harm, pain, pleasure...and so much more. They have come in to play with me, to trigger me, just as I have triggered others. I have brought out the uncomfortableness and fear of others just by being myself. I celebrate them, and I celebrate myself.
Of course, so many others in society are reflecting back to us all of these illusions, fears, and our limiting belief structures. They're just doing it in their own unique way, blasting themselves through consciousness like a speeding train.
There are many times that I'm uncomfortable with the choices that people make around me, gay or straight. More and more though, I'm choosing to encompass all choice. To see the benefit of all directions. To see myself in the gay-basher, the uncomfortable straight man, the furious homophobe, the indifferent observer, the gay snob, the screaming queen, the leather-daddy, the abuser, the dog-slave, the gay husband, the gay country-couple, the drag queen, the straight-to-bed guy, the boy-toy, the AIDS patient, the closeted husband, the nelly, the fag, the faggot, the queer, the fudge-packer, the cocksucker, the top, the bottom, the healer, the lover, the Saviour, the Messiah, the Messenger...the limitless roles, characters, beings, under the sky and moon, in all the cracks and valleys of the universe.
I wish to encompass all of these and so many others I didn't mention, and to remove all of my judgment around these roles, these masks and illusions. My journey of full appreciation is not complete yet, but I'm on my way, walking down a hall of mirrors, pausing before each one to kiss it, before I move on.
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
PUP NIGHT HIGHLIGHTS
Pup Night! I realize I haven't written too much about my experiences at the last few I've attended. Before the next one comes, I wanted to share some thoughts here. There's lots to say, but for now...
1. What a "getting a burger" means.
Things I've learned at Pup Night:
2. Being a pup amongst pups is a lot of fun, but crawling among and between the legs of handlers and onlookers affords one a chance to interact with all kinds of friendly folks, and opens up the opportunity for lots of attention, scritches and pats & pets.
3. It's fun to make paw prints on a window that's covered in condensation.
4. Some pups wanna wrestle for dominance, but some are content to just chill.
5. I so appreciate my handler, and the helping hands that assist me in getting in and out of mitts and hood, before I "...go and play!"
6. Although it may prevent you from receiving an unexpected burger, wearing a wrestling singlet is a lot of fun when grappling with other pups on the mat.
7. Pups are fun to observe eye to eye and sniff from nose ...to wherever :)
Also, some advice:
1, On the mat, watch out for injuries! I've only had a few minor ones, I'll share some evidence later :)
2. If you're drinking from a water bottle held between two paws, careful not to squeeze it, or else get a faceful of water.
3. If two pups beside you get really rowdy, duck for cover!
4, If you're saving up for those deluxe locking mitts or are looking for a great alternative, a triple layer of black tube socks does a decent job of creating paws for you :P
And lastly, on the mat or off, Hawk's 3 rules of being a good pup are:
1. Be yourself.
2. Be honest and true.
3. Pounce! (Play and have fun!)
Thanks for checking in. I appreciate it!
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
A NEW PUP FOR HAWK
Had a great time this evening introducing a friend to his pup self. Took lots of hot pics :P I'll be posting them here, on twitter, and my tumblr soon!
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