It's dark and rainy out, and I'm feeling introspective, and also feeling the urge to post here. Thinking about a bunch of stuff, reflecting on a few lectures I experienced recently on creativity, genius & inspiration, and thinking about my life at present and what I'm doing with my days and nights and self. Feeling like I cant possibly capture what's in my mind tonight here, but also feeling like I need to send some of it out and ease this feeling of overflow and bubbling over of thoughts, fears and concerns. The following post might be a bit on the babbling brook/rambling road side. There's my disclaimer :D
The window I'm typing this in hovers over a desktop that's filled with jpegs I've recently downloaded from my phone or the web. Many are of the porn variety, a collection of NSFW images of me, guys I've chatted with, guys I wish I knew. Of course, what's on my screen is only a sprinkle. There are folders and hard drives and CD-ROMs going back years that I've amassed since the 90's. This post isn't about my dirty pic collection though. In part, it's about my relationship with the visual world. I spend so much time captivated by appearances, images and pictures, both the two dimensional ones and the ones in my mind, or the ones that appear in front of me as I go about my day.
This occupation overlaps somewhat with a desire to create my own images. Yes I paint, but these days spend more time with my iPhone in hand playing with photo apps instead of brushes. I've never called myself a photographer, but I take a lot of photographs. Most of them are what people would call snapshots, as artistically significant as someone taking snaps of themselves while clubbing or at a party. Still, they are a kind of meditation for me, or simply a reminder of the present, or the moment, or born out of a desire to document something, or myself. I'm not alone in this pursuit. Many people take lots of pictures, that's nothing new. I feel like somehow I want to do it in a more significant way. Maybe as a means to justify what I'm doing.
I've been comparing myself and my blog to others out there and feel like I haven't been prolific enough. "Prolific" is a word that depresses me a little as I judge myself constantly for being so lazy when it comes to putting myself out there. Over the years I've seen many people go from having a dream to do something, to applying a lot of energy and effort toward that goal or dream, to ultimately achieving what they'd set out to do. I've been good at supporting others, but often do not support and motivate myself.
I'm proud of this blog but could do a lot more here. I'm fond of my contributions on twitter as insignificant as they might seem to some. I need some goals, I need a plan to get there. Maybe more than that, I need to stoke those motivational fires. Somehow I need to bring forward the muse for motivation and drive. I feel like my default is often lazy, sleepy, & "content". True, I have a lot of joy in my life and have brought some great experiences and amazing people into it. In some ways I can do a lot more. I almost feel a kind of responsibility to.
It's not that I want to abandon all the fun, lazy afternoons or daydreaming I'm so fond of. It's just that those things alone are not going to get me much. But then, I also feel really unclear sometimes about what it is I want to do and say. There is a leader in me who wants to lead, but what's my message? How can I blast it out there? Even whispering it would be good. Any communication of my inner workings, innermost desires and thoughts would be a good thing. Just looking over what I've written gives me a feeling of being overwhelmed. So much to figure out. Who is Hawk Shepherd? Will the world know? Arf.
Monday, 12 November 2012
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
TIGER TAIL
This month I made my debut on the Sodom Stage as a tiger in the Sodom Zombie Circus! You can check out the photos at sodom.ca or see my tagged photo folder on facebook at www.facebook.com/HawkShep
Saturday, 27 October 2012
[I'M] POST-TABOO
When I posted the link to the Taboo vid yesterday, I did it with some hesitation, as up until then I'd kept each post here more about my own creations and views. I wasn't sure if I wanted to include views that might not fully overlap my own experiences or opinions. This post is a reflection on the decision to add the vid here and also inspired by some things I've read about the program that it's a part of.
Recently, a friend of mine was approached to take part in an episode of the show. While deciding whether he would or not, he asked friends and colleagues in his community to share their views and assist him in his decision to participate or not. I was fascinated with the response he got.
An overwhelming majority of people suggested that he shouldn't participate. That the producers would present the material in a bad light, focus on negative aspects etc. I haven't watched the show, except for the clip I shared, so I can't speak to the methods and content of the show. What I did find in the clip that I shared was a presentation of pup play that shared a particular set of perspectives and presented the participants stories in a somewhat matter-of-fact way.
I don't know if the participants were pleased with the results, but I didn't find the clip to be overly sensational in any way. I think that some people/human behaviours do fall out of the general public's comfort zone and do seem strange, and that's OK with me. I've done my best and continue to embrace my own difference and peculiarities the best way I can, whether they fall into the sex category or not. I believe it's my job to be myself and share myself. True, sometimes people will judge me or misunderstand me, or take what I say and do and interpret it their own way. That's always gonna happen, in the media, or in personal conversations. We all have a love of judgement & categorization in our own ways. It's a way to feel safe and in control.
Over this year I've had opportunities to share my story and myself, and have generally been pleased with my progress and the response. When my words/actions have been reflected back to me, I haven't always found it to be a true reflection. Its been filtered or muddled sometimes in slight ways. Overall though, I've found the pursuit of sharing worthwhile. Others' filters and interpretations will always co-mingle, just as when they share with us, we apply out own judgements and lenses.
My friend decided to not participate in the show for his own reasons and I fully support that. He decided it was the best course of action for him, and I believe he made his decision after careful thought and from a methodical & logical space. Many of the responses he received though, seemed to come from a fear perspective. These were people accusing the show of being dramatic and unfair, while they themselves were coming from a space of hateful hysteria. They meant well I'm sure. It's not that I find their views invalid. They're a reminder to me to be more precise in my choice of words sometimes, and of my own fears, judgements and limitations.
I will continue to take the opportunities that present themselves to share more and be more open, perhaps risking the odd "lost in translation' moment :)
Recently, a friend of mine was approached to take part in an episode of the show. While deciding whether he would or not, he asked friends and colleagues in his community to share their views and assist him in his decision to participate or not. I was fascinated with the response he got.
An overwhelming majority of people suggested that he shouldn't participate. That the producers would present the material in a bad light, focus on negative aspects etc. I haven't watched the show, except for the clip I shared, so I can't speak to the methods and content of the show. What I did find in the clip that I shared was a presentation of pup play that shared a particular set of perspectives and presented the participants stories in a somewhat matter-of-fact way.
I don't know if the participants were pleased with the results, but I didn't find the clip to be overly sensational in any way. I think that some people/human behaviours do fall out of the general public's comfort zone and do seem strange, and that's OK with me. I've done my best and continue to embrace my own difference and peculiarities the best way I can, whether they fall into the sex category or not. I believe it's my job to be myself and share myself. True, sometimes people will judge me or misunderstand me, or take what I say and do and interpret it their own way. That's always gonna happen, in the media, or in personal conversations. We all have a love of judgement & categorization in our own ways. It's a way to feel safe and in control.
Over this year I've had opportunities to share my story and myself, and have generally been pleased with my progress and the response. When my words/actions have been reflected back to me, I haven't always found it to be a true reflection. Its been filtered or muddled sometimes in slight ways. Overall though, I've found the pursuit of sharing worthwhile. Others' filters and interpretations will always co-mingle, just as when they share with us, we apply out own judgements and lenses.
My friend decided to not participate in the show for his own reasons and I fully support that. He decided it was the best course of action for him, and I believe he made his decision after careful thought and from a methodical & logical space. Many of the responses he received though, seemed to come from a fear perspective. These were people accusing the show of being dramatic and unfair, while they themselves were coming from a space of hateful hysteria. They meant well I'm sure. It's not that I find their views invalid. They're a reminder to me to be more precise in my choice of words sometimes, and of my own fears, judgements and limitations.
I will continue to take the opportunities that present themselves to share more and be more open, perhaps risking the odd "lost in translation' moment :)
Friday, 26 October 2012
NATIONAL PUPOGRAPHIC
An episode of Taboo on the National Geographic Channel presents some people's perspectives on pup play.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
THE FLOOR IS LAVA
I feel like "a fisher of men". I've cast the net wide and have met many amazing guys. Some I've seen face to face, some, I plan to meet one day, and some I might never meet.
In this intersection of paths, wills, and explorations I've been learning a lot about myself. Seeing who I become around different people, revealing to myself some of my quirks and habits, and ways of behaving around people I've just gotten to know, or have been trying to impress.
I feel as if different people bring out different aspects of my personality and ways of being. My intention and actions always come from a genuine place, and a desire to be as open and honest as possible.
The situation of dating and exploring with different guys is one that I reflect on a lot, and also one that I don't share too often, especially not publicly, as I feel shy/awkward about putting some of these situations/ inner workings of my mind out there, for fear of others' raised eyebrows or judgements.
I'm not into the idea of giving people certain play by plays as I respect the privacy of the gentlemen involved. Rather, its my own general thoughts on the situation(s) I find myself in that I'm more interested in sharing.
Perhaps even that feels weird, as I choose to do this publicly, and there's a real possibility that some involved in my life will get some insight into my inner workings that perhaps I'm not comfortable inviting them into. But at the same time I want to lessen opportunities for manipulation whenever possible, and hide next to nothing. Is that a worthwhile goal, that kind of vulnerability? I think so, though not always sure about wanting it or my reasons for pursuing it.
More to write here, perhaps the addition of some hopeful spin or exclamation, but this'll be it for now :)
In this intersection of paths, wills, and explorations I've been learning a lot about myself. Seeing who I become around different people, revealing to myself some of my quirks and habits, and ways of behaving around people I've just gotten to know, or have been trying to impress.
I feel as if different people bring out different aspects of my personality and ways of being. My intention and actions always come from a genuine place, and a desire to be as open and honest as possible.
The situation of dating and exploring with different guys is one that I reflect on a lot, and also one that I don't share too often, especially not publicly, as I feel shy/awkward about putting some of these situations/ inner workings of my mind out there, for fear of others' raised eyebrows or judgements.
I'm not into the idea of giving people certain play by plays as I respect the privacy of the gentlemen involved. Rather, its my own general thoughts on the situation(s) I find myself in that I'm more interested in sharing.
Perhaps even that feels weird, as I choose to do this publicly, and there's a real possibility that some involved in my life will get some insight into my inner workings that perhaps I'm not comfortable inviting them into. But at the same time I want to lessen opportunities for manipulation whenever possible, and hide next to nothing. Is that a worthwhile goal, that kind of vulnerability? I think so, though not always sure about wanting it or my reasons for pursuing it.
More to write here, perhaps the addition of some hopeful spin or exclamation, but this'll be it for now :)
Monday, 24 September 2012
HORN OF PLENTY
I finally decided to take a kind of leap and bring many of my friends, specifically those on facebook into the loop in terms of some of my activities, thoughts, views, and perspectives on myself and my surroundings. There are those who think of me as a private person, but really, I'm simply selective in terms of what I choose to share in various circumstances. True, I've chosen to keep this blog and my tweets public. I have also wanted some small amount of compartmentalization in my life at this time, be it at work, or even in my social life, and because of that, I've decided to create a second facebook account. I know, to those that have decided to shut down or limit their accounts, this must sound horrible :O.
My new profile is connected to my twitter account, but also to my tumblr (my paintings and other creations) and my instagram/statigram account (@hawkshep: daily randomness as well as a look at my growing shoe collection :P). I'm hoping to create facebook specific posts as well in the coming weeks and beyond.
In the last few days I've been a bit overwhelmed in this "coming-out" and sharing process, and wonder whether I'm taking a lot on, in terms of all the online avenues that I want to contribute content to. Reflecting on it though, I'm seeing this "spreading out" as a creation of many options for sharing, no matter what my mood, whatever I might feel like postiing. There'll be a place for all the ten thousand things. :D
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
ART WHORE
I've been meaning to put all my pup paintings & photo manipulations in one place for a while, and have created a tumblr for my art-related exhibitionism. Edging towards an adult, NSFW status here :P
www.HawkShep.tumblr.com
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