I keep promising to write more often, just as I promise: to call, or write, or text, or make dinner plans with ___, or…
It seems I’ve found myself feeling somewhat disconnected from a desire for a lot of social “obligations”. I’ve even let go of most of my social media endeavours lately. I can’t say that it’s simply a case of having felt overwhelmed with work or other pursuits. True, I haven’t really been getting enough sleep lately, and my life has felt very full. Overall, there have been a lot of good things that have transpired in the past few months. I think that the simplest explanation/description I can give is this…
I’m going through a kind of transitional period in my life, sorting through some emotions, shifting some sights, and changing some behaviours.
It’s definitely a time of renewal and I’m making the most of it. The only strange thing I’m experiencing is that the things I thought I knew about myself, and the ways I spent my time, are shifting and changing, and I’m not quite caught up with everything. Like living in a new home, I’m not fully settled in, despite my excitement and exhilaration. It’s time to let some things go for good this time, and to find new ways to spend my time and energy.
It’s also a time of appreciation for me. I have so many good people and things in my life. I really want to appreciate them more, and make those loved ones see how much I value them. I also want to take better care of myself, and to take time to really nurture myself in all ways.
I keep saying it here, but I really want to post here more often. I think I’m too often caught up in the desire to only be a certain kind of entertaining, or a particular voice of insightfulness. I want to communicate with more abandon, with more rawness and candour.
There are many ways to be an exhibitionist. There are many ways to be honest. Time to explore more of all of this in 2013.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Monday, 12 November 2012
WHO IS HAWK SHEPHERD?
It's dark and rainy out, and I'm feeling introspective, and also feeling the urge to post here. Thinking about a bunch of stuff, reflecting on a few lectures I experienced recently on creativity, genius & inspiration, and thinking about my life at present and what I'm doing with my days and nights and self. Feeling like I cant possibly capture what's in my mind tonight here, but also feeling like I need to send some of it out and ease this feeling of overflow and bubbling over of thoughts, fears and concerns. The following post might be a bit on the babbling brook/rambling road side. There's my disclaimer :D
The window I'm typing this in hovers over a desktop that's filled with jpegs I've recently downloaded from my phone or the web. Many are of the porn variety, a collection of NSFW images of me, guys I've chatted with, guys I wish I knew. Of course, what's on my screen is only a sprinkle. There are folders and hard drives and CD-ROMs going back years that I've amassed since the 90's. This post isn't about my dirty pic collection though. In part, it's about my relationship with the visual world. I spend so much time captivated by appearances, images and pictures, both the two dimensional ones and the ones in my mind, or the ones that appear in front of me as I go about my day.
This occupation overlaps somewhat with a desire to create my own images. Yes I paint, but these days spend more time with my iPhone in hand playing with photo apps instead of brushes. I've never called myself a photographer, but I take a lot of photographs. Most of them are what people would call snapshots, as artistically significant as someone taking snaps of themselves while clubbing or at a party. Still, they are a kind of meditation for me, or simply a reminder of the present, or the moment, or born out of a desire to document something, or myself. I'm not alone in this pursuit. Many people take lots of pictures, that's nothing new. I feel like somehow I want to do it in a more significant way. Maybe as a means to justify what I'm doing.
I've been comparing myself and my blog to others out there and feel like I haven't been prolific enough. "Prolific" is a word that depresses me a little as I judge myself constantly for being so lazy when it comes to putting myself out there. Over the years I've seen many people go from having a dream to do something, to applying a lot of energy and effort toward that goal or dream, to ultimately achieving what they'd set out to do. I've been good at supporting others, but often do not support and motivate myself.
I'm proud of this blog but could do a lot more here. I'm fond of my contributions on twitter as insignificant as they might seem to some. I need some goals, I need a plan to get there. Maybe more than that, I need to stoke those motivational fires. Somehow I need to bring forward the muse for motivation and drive. I feel like my default is often lazy, sleepy, & "content". True, I have a lot of joy in my life and have brought some great experiences and amazing people into it. In some ways I can do a lot more. I almost feel a kind of responsibility to.
It's not that I want to abandon all the fun, lazy afternoons or daydreaming I'm so fond of. It's just that those things alone are not going to get me much. But then, I also feel really unclear sometimes about what it is I want to do and say. There is a leader in me who wants to lead, but what's my message? How can I blast it out there? Even whispering it would be good. Any communication of my inner workings, innermost desires and thoughts would be a good thing. Just looking over what I've written gives me a feeling of being overwhelmed. So much to figure out. Who is Hawk Shepherd? Will the world know? Arf.
The window I'm typing this in hovers over a desktop that's filled with jpegs I've recently downloaded from my phone or the web. Many are of the porn variety, a collection of NSFW images of me, guys I've chatted with, guys I wish I knew. Of course, what's on my screen is only a sprinkle. There are folders and hard drives and CD-ROMs going back years that I've amassed since the 90's. This post isn't about my dirty pic collection though. In part, it's about my relationship with the visual world. I spend so much time captivated by appearances, images and pictures, both the two dimensional ones and the ones in my mind, or the ones that appear in front of me as I go about my day.
This occupation overlaps somewhat with a desire to create my own images. Yes I paint, but these days spend more time with my iPhone in hand playing with photo apps instead of brushes. I've never called myself a photographer, but I take a lot of photographs. Most of them are what people would call snapshots, as artistically significant as someone taking snaps of themselves while clubbing or at a party. Still, they are a kind of meditation for me, or simply a reminder of the present, or the moment, or born out of a desire to document something, or myself. I'm not alone in this pursuit. Many people take lots of pictures, that's nothing new. I feel like somehow I want to do it in a more significant way. Maybe as a means to justify what I'm doing.
I've been comparing myself and my blog to others out there and feel like I haven't been prolific enough. "Prolific" is a word that depresses me a little as I judge myself constantly for being so lazy when it comes to putting myself out there. Over the years I've seen many people go from having a dream to do something, to applying a lot of energy and effort toward that goal or dream, to ultimately achieving what they'd set out to do. I've been good at supporting others, but often do not support and motivate myself.
I'm proud of this blog but could do a lot more here. I'm fond of my contributions on twitter as insignificant as they might seem to some. I need some goals, I need a plan to get there. Maybe more than that, I need to stoke those motivational fires. Somehow I need to bring forward the muse for motivation and drive. I feel like my default is often lazy, sleepy, & "content". True, I have a lot of joy in my life and have brought some great experiences and amazing people into it. In some ways I can do a lot more. I almost feel a kind of responsibility to.
It's not that I want to abandon all the fun, lazy afternoons or daydreaming I'm so fond of. It's just that those things alone are not going to get me much. But then, I also feel really unclear sometimes about what it is I want to do and say. There is a leader in me who wants to lead, but what's my message? How can I blast it out there? Even whispering it would be good. Any communication of my inner workings, innermost desires and thoughts would be a good thing. Just looking over what I've written gives me a feeling of being overwhelmed. So much to figure out. Who is Hawk Shepherd? Will the world know? Arf.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
TIGER TAIL
This month I made my debut on the Sodom Stage as a tiger in the Sodom Zombie Circus! You can check out the photos at sodom.ca or see my tagged photo folder on facebook at www.facebook.com/HawkShep
Saturday, 27 October 2012
[I'M] POST-TABOO
When I posted the link to the Taboo vid yesterday, I did it with some hesitation, as up until then I'd kept each post here more about my own creations and views. I wasn't sure if I wanted to include views that might not fully overlap my own experiences or opinions. This post is a reflection on the decision to add the vid here and also inspired by some things I've read about the program that it's a part of.
Recently, a friend of mine was approached to take part in an episode of the show. While deciding whether he would or not, he asked friends and colleagues in his community to share their views and assist him in his decision to participate or not. I was fascinated with the response he got.
An overwhelming majority of people suggested that he shouldn't participate. That the producers would present the material in a bad light, focus on negative aspects etc. I haven't watched the show, except for the clip I shared, so I can't speak to the methods and content of the show. What I did find in the clip that I shared was a presentation of pup play that shared a particular set of perspectives and presented the participants stories in a somewhat matter-of-fact way.
I don't know if the participants were pleased with the results, but I didn't find the clip to be overly sensational in any way. I think that some people/human behaviours do fall out of the general public's comfort zone and do seem strange, and that's OK with me. I've done my best and continue to embrace my own difference and peculiarities the best way I can, whether they fall into the sex category or not. I believe it's my job to be myself and share myself. True, sometimes people will judge me or misunderstand me, or take what I say and do and interpret it their own way. That's always gonna happen, in the media, or in personal conversations. We all have a love of judgement & categorization in our own ways. It's a way to feel safe and in control.
Over this year I've had opportunities to share my story and myself, and have generally been pleased with my progress and the response. When my words/actions have been reflected back to me, I haven't always found it to be a true reflection. Its been filtered or muddled sometimes in slight ways. Overall though, I've found the pursuit of sharing worthwhile. Others' filters and interpretations will always co-mingle, just as when they share with us, we apply out own judgements and lenses.
My friend decided to not participate in the show for his own reasons and I fully support that. He decided it was the best course of action for him, and I believe he made his decision after careful thought and from a methodical & logical space. Many of the responses he received though, seemed to come from a fear perspective. These were people accusing the show of being dramatic and unfair, while they themselves were coming from a space of hateful hysteria. They meant well I'm sure. It's not that I find their views invalid. They're a reminder to me to be more precise in my choice of words sometimes, and of my own fears, judgements and limitations.
I will continue to take the opportunities that present themselves to share more and be more open, perhaps risking the odd "lost in translation' moment :)
Recently, a friend of mine was approached to take part in an episode of the show. While deciding whether he would or not, he asked friends and colleagues in his community to share their views and assist him in his decision to participate or not. I was fascinated with the response he got.
An overwhelming majority of people suggested that he shouldn't participate. That the producers would present the material in a bad light, focus on negative aspects etc. I haven't watched the show, except for the clip I shared, so I can't speak to the methods and content of the show. What I did find in the clip that I shared was a presentation of pup play that shared a particular set of perspectives and presented the participants stories in a somewhat matter-of-fact way.
I don't know if the participants were pleased with the results, but I didn't find the clip to be overly sensational in any way. I think that some people/human behaviours do fall out of the general public's comfort zone and do seem strange, and that's OK with me. I've done my best and continue to embrace my own difference and peculiarities the best way I can, whether they fall into the sex category or not. I believe it's my job to be myself and share myself. True, sometimes people will judge me or misunderstand me, or take what I say and do and interpret it their own way. That's always gonna happen, in the media, or in personal conversations. We all have a love of judgement & categorization in our own ways. It's a way to feel safe and in control.
Over this year I've had opportunities to share my story and myself, and have generally been pleased with my progress and the response. When my words/actions have been reflected back to me, I haven't always found it to be a true reflection. Its been filtered or muddled sometimes in slight ways. Overall though, I've found the pursuit of sharing worthwhile. Others' filters and interpretations will always co-mingle, just as when they share with us, we apply out own judgements and lenses.
My friend decided to not participate in the show for his own reasons and I fully support that. He decided it was the best course of action for him, and I believe he made his decision after careful thought and from a methodical & logical space. Many of the responses he received though, seemed to come from a fear perspective. These were people accusing the show of being dramatic and unfair, while they themselves were coming from a space of hateful hysteria. They meant well I'm sure. It's not that I find their views invalid. They're a reminder to me to be more precise in my choice of words sometimes, and of my own fears, judgements and limitations.
I will continue to take the opportunities that present themselves to share more and be more open, perhaps risking the odd "lost in translation' moment :)
Friday, 26 October 2012
NATIONAL PUPOGRAPHIC
An episode of Taboo on the National Geographic Channel presents some people's perspectives on pup play.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
THE FLOOR IS LAVA
I feel like "a fisher of men". I've cast the net wide and have met many amazing guys. Some I've seen face to face, some, I plan to meet one day, and some I might never meet.
In this intersection of paths, wills, and explorations I've been learning a lot about myself. Seeing who I become around different people, revealing to myself some of my quirks and habits, and ways of behaving around people I've just gotten to know, or have been trying to impress.
I feel as if different people bring out different aspects of my personality and ways of being. My intention and actions always come from a genuine place, and a desire to be as open and honest as possible.
The situation of dating and exploring with different guys is one that I reflect on a lot, and also one that I don't share too often, especially not publicly, as I feel shy/awkward about putting some of these situations/ inner workings of my mind out there, for fear of others' raised eyebrows or judgements.
I'm not into the idea of giving people certain play by plays as I respect the privacy of the gentlemen involved. Rather, its my own general thoughts on the situation(s) I find myself in that I'm more interested in sharing.
Perhaps even that feels weird, as I choose to do this publicly, and there's a real possibility that some involved in my life will get some insight into my inner workings that perhaps I'm not comfortable inviting them into. But at the same time I want to lessen opportunities for manipulation whenever possible, and hide next to nothing. Is that a worthwhile goal, that kind of vulnerability? I think so, though not always sure about wanting it or my reasons for pursuing it.
More to write here, perhaps the addition of some hopeful spin or exclamation, but this'll be it for now :)
In this intersection of paths, wills, and explorations I've been learning a lot about myself. Seeing who I become around different people, revealing to myself some of my quirks and habits, and ways of behaving around people I've just gotten to know, or have been trying to impress.
I feel as if different people bring out different aspects of my personality and ways of being. My intention and actions always come from a genuine place, and a desire to be as open and honest as possible.
The situation of dating and exploring with different guys is one that I reflect on a lot, and also one that I don't share too often, especially not publicly, as I feel shy/awkward about putting some of these situations/ inner workings of my mind out there, for fear of others' raised eyebrows or judgements.
I'm not into the idea of giving people certain play by plays as I respect the privacy of the gentlemen involved. Rather, its my own general thoughts on the situation(s) I find myself in that I'm more interested in sharing.
Perhaps even that feels weird, as I choose to do this publicly, and there's a real possibility that some involved in my life will get some insight into my inner workings that perhaps I'm not comfortable inviting them into. But at the same time I want to lessen opportunities for manipulation whenever possible, and hide next to nothing. Is that a worthwhile goal, that kind of vulnerability? I think so, though not always sure about wanting it or my reasons for pursuing it.
More to write here, perhaps the addition of some hopeful spin or exclamation, but this'll be it for now :)
Monday, 24 September 2012
HORN OF PLENTY
I finally decided to take a kind of leap and bring many of my friends, specifically those on facebook into the loop in terms of some of my activities, thoughts, views, and perspectives on myself and my surroundings. There are those who think of me as a private person, but really, I'm simply selective in terms of what I choose to share in various circumstances. True, I've chosen to keep this blog and my tweets public. I have also wanted some small amount of compartmentalization in my life at this time, be it at work, or even in my social life, and because of that, I've decided to create a second facebook account. I know, to those that have decided to shut down or limit their accounts, this must sound horrible :O.
My new profile is connected to my twitter account, but also to my tumblr (my paintings and other creations) and my instagram/statigram account (@hawkshep: daily randomness as well as a look at my growing shoe collection :P). I'm hoping to create facebook specific posts as well in the coming weeks and beyond.
In the last few days I've been a bit overwhelmed in this "coming-out" and sharing process, and wonder whether I'm taking a lot on, in terms of all the online avenues that I want to contribute content to. Reflecting on it though, I'm seeing this "spreading out" as a creation of many options for sharing, no matter what my mood, whatever I might feel like postiing. There'll be a place for all the ten thousand things. :D
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
ART WHORE
I've been meaning to put all my pup paintings & photo manipulations in one place for a while, and have created a tumblr for my art-related exhibitionism. Edging towards an adult, NSFW status here :P
www.HawkShep.tumblr.com
fab DOG
Last month, I tweeted that'd I'd taken part in an interview for a fab magazine article by Scott Dagostino. I forgot to post the link here! Check it out :D
http://www.fabmagazine.com/story/i-wanna-be-your-dog
http://www.fabmagazine.com/story/i-wanna-be-your-dog
Monday, 10 September 2012
HAWK UNMASKED
It's been too long since my last post. I've been sharing a lot about myself lately though on twitter and been having a blast with that. I keep the company of a lot of openminded guys there, some of whom are porn stars, exhibitionists, kinksters, free spirits, and the like. They've inspired me to share more, and to let go of my desire to hide and censor myself. Not only am I finding myself sharing racier, personal stuff, kinks and secret desires, I'm also seeing the joy in living with more freedom and less shame. I'm celebrating my body and my sexuality. It's an work in progress, just like so many other things, but I feel like I'm definitely going in the right direction. In the coming days I'll be posting some long overdue artwork and maybe a pic or two of me as well. Autumn is coming, and it's time to bring in the harvest, lol.
If you are on twitter, try tweeting #10FactsAboutMe or better still #10DirtyFactsAboutMe. Not only is it liberating, you might find, as I did, that you'll learn something new about yourself :) FUN.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
CLOTHING OPTIONAL EVERYTHING
It seems lately that I've found myself with many opportunities to opt for public nakedness. The more I've done it, the more comfortable I've become. Going to the clothing optional beach here was a good start, and some of my trips there have definitely been the highlights of this summer. Naked Night at the Black Eagle in Toronto last Thursday was a great experience too. It seems I've got a lot of nudies in my circle of friends as of late. :D Some of those guys have barely seen me clothed! This weekend I attended one of the best parties ever. It involved a Hawaiian theme & a group of some of the hottest/friendliest people I've ever met. We wore grass skirts (eventually even less ;)), ate awesome grilled meat & upside-down pineapple cake, and got 'leid'. I can't remember the last time I felt such exuberance and joy at a social gathering. It wasn't just the nakedness, but that was an awesome bonus.
Why this post? I'm not trolling for converts or anything, I guess I'm just celebrating my own journey through this. Yes, it's been "freeing" and helped me move further along on my path to be alright with what I look like naked. The best part of it has been the opportunity to hide myself less, not just from behind clothes, but also emotionally. Somehow I've felt more open, and less worried about what people think of me.
I know I write about that a lot. The whole being liked and accepted thing. Those fears and limits are at the forefront of my mind and the battle is on! Maybe a better word than battle is playground. My retreat to Algonquin Park is coming up soon and I can't wait. Although the activities there will involve clothing, a lot of the people attending will have already seen me naked (lol, sounds dirty). I'm seeing my trip to Camp Feral as an opportunity to play more in the great outdoors, and to leave behind some of the play-dramas of my mind! Yay :D
Thursday, 9 August 2012
FUNLAND
Surprise! More confusion, more clarity, transformation, and smut! Also lately a kind of letting go of some concerns for "decorum".
A while back I wrote a tweet where I
declared my impatience/frustration with my near universal desire to fit
in to others' perceived expectations of me, to be loved and accepted
etc.
Phrases like "be yourself" and "it
doesn't matter what others think" and "if they don't like you fuck
'em!" are kind of cliché. I hear them a lot, and everyone agrees
they're a good idea, but they're seldom really applied and lived by. We
admire the few people that live by them IF we happen also to approve of
their choices and accomplishments.
I have made
choices here to conduct/share myself in a certain way. I write certain
stuff here, certain things on twitter, other things about myself on
facebook, some things in private journals, some things I only would say
to a close friend and still other things to no one at all.
Again
I'm faced with the daunting task of consolidating all my different
avenues of expression. I'm tired of separating it all yet still afraid
of breaking down those boundaries.
Lately I've
been spending a lot of time at the beach with some great friends, and
for whatever reason, having spent that time mostly naked and with
others either into pup play or furry, I seem to have busted through a
few of my blocks/fears around being judged for how I look naked. It's
about time!
I finally did a pup night tonight
in just a hood, mitts & jock and it felt great. (I might have even
lost the jock for a bit). I'm kind of amazed at how far it all went
tonight, but pleased as well. Also happy that I feel comfortable enough
to share it here. Time to let go of bullshit illusions like "mystique"
or fears of being labeled a "slut". Coincidentally I did label someone
that tonight with my trusty Sharpie. A back makes a great canvas!
Hopefully I'll be inspired to write here more often. I've gotten some great feedback and I really appreciate it!
More to come! More to cum!
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
AFFABLE FURRY
Some have said I already am, some have said it's a completely different endeavour, but as I said to some kindred spirits this weekend, (who I met via the pup scene), some of the guys/pups/handlers etc that I've felt the strongest connections to happen to identify as furry/furries. I don't think this affinity is coincidental, so I'm delving into furrydom with some fervour. I opened up a profile on furaffinity.net and spent some time this evening working on some digital pup art. No matter where this journey leads me, I've met some awesome guys (in and out of their suits). I have also found inspiration in the variety of artwork, digital and traditional, in all sorts of mediums that permeates the scene. Looking forward to contributing some of my own. Full blooded or honourary? Time will tell :D
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Saturday, 23 June 2012
HAPPY PAWS
I'm happy to share that despite some upheavals in my life in the past few months, everything's ended up "right as rain" as they say (in particular I'm thinking of The Oracle speaking to Neo in The Matrix when I write those words, but I digress...).
When I was young, I told my parents that I'd have my own religion someday, and at least for now, that dream is taking the form of being a pup ambassador in my own quiet way. I'm amazed at how many have approached me with questions about puppydom, and despite my relative newness to the scene, have sought my advice and perspective in one form or another. Of course I've been happy to share my thoughts while knowing that I can't possibly speak for everyone, and can only speak from my own pup heart. These opportunities to share have made me reflect on my own hidden thoughts and desires, and have made me more confident in myself as a pup and as a regular dude too :)
Overall I'm experiencing a sense of new found freedom. Even in those areas that I still limit or judge myself, I'm seeing glimmers of what's possible, and uncovering limitations I've placed on myself in the past.
I continue to be amazed by all the support around me on this journey, often given by those who don't even realize to what extent they've helped me move myself forward.
So often I've experienced growth while coming out of a dark or complicated time. It's nice to experience a kind of transformation now while not in some sort of dire straits or muck. Sure there's the odd bit of sticky sand that irks me now and again, but overall I'm thriving, despite the fact that I sometimes second-guess myself or feel lonely or angry.
I'm still the ever optimistic, smiley pup on my journey to be the best and most adorable pup I can be :D
Thanks for checking-in as I wander, wonder, and wag!
When I was young, I told my parents that I'd have my own religion someday, and at least for now, that dream is taking the form of being a pup ambassador in my own quiet way. I'm amazed at how many have approached me with questions about puppydom, and despite my relative newness to the scene, have sought my advice and perspective in one form or another. Of course I've been happy to share my thoughts while knowing that I can't possibly speak for everyone, and can only speak from my own pup heart. These opportunities to share have made me reflect on my own hidden thoughts and desires, and have made me more confident in myself as a pup and as a regular dude too :)
Overall I'm experiencing a sense of new found freedom. Even in those areas that I still limit or judge myself, I'm seeing glimmers of what's possible, and uncovering limitations I've placed on myself in the past.
I continue to be amazed by all the support around me on this journey, often given by those who don't even realize to what extent they've helped me move myself forward.
So often I've experienced growth while coming out of a dark or complicated time. It's nice to experience a kind of transformation now while not in some sort of dire straits or muck. Sure there's the odd bit of sticky sand that irks me now and again, but overall I'm thriving, despite the fact that I sometimes second-guess myself or feel lonely or angry.
I'm still the ever optimistic, smiley pup on my journey to be the best and most adorable pup I can be :D
Thanks for checking-in as I wander, wonder, and wag!
Monday, 18 June 2012
TIME TO FILL MY BOWL
I have my paws on a newer computer so I'm hoping to post here more regularly again!
In case you missed it last month, I was so happy to contribute some perspectives on pup play for an article written by a friend of mine. Check out his hot blog & the link below for sexy thoughts & pics :D
http://leatherfetishfox.blogspot.ca/2012/05/fetish-of-month-may-puppy-play.html
In case you missed it last month, I was so happy to contribute some perspectives on pup play for an article written by a friend of mine. Check out his hot blog & the link below for sexy thoughts & pics :D
http://leatherfetishfox.blogspot.ca/2012/05/fetish-of-month-may-puppy-play.html
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
DOGLISTIC HEALING
This is the first of a few "pup paintings" I've made, and I plan to create more. :P
Friday, 13 April 2012
PRIVY TO A GREAT BECOMING
I've had the pleasure of housesitting for the last few weeks and have experienced what's felt like a mini vacation. I've had time to reflect on some things and remind myself of the stuff that's important to me.
Going forward I want to continue this experience of reflection, regeneration and renewal. Time to take better care of myself. More sleep, more exercise, more spring water, healthier food choices, more joy.
I've been thinking about the qualities I value in myself and others. Last night at pup night I spent some quiet time to myself on the mat, despite being surrounded by about a dozen pups.
Afterwards, some people shared their observations of my behavior and asked about my mindset and experience of that night.
It made me think about the assumptions we make about other people. Both the people we know and the ones we don't. I want to nurture my sense of curiousity and refrain from "filling in the blanks" when I interact with people. Even the ones I know well.
I want to be seen and appreciated for who I am in the moment. And I want to offer the same to those that I choose to interact and spend time with.
The interactions I have with those that see me through a narrow filter are not so interesting to me. I in turn want to share myself at a level that's as honest and straightforward as possible. I want to paint a clear picture. Those who choose to will then see me for the pup I am :)
Going forward I want to continue this experience of reflection, regeneration and renewal. Time to take better care of myself. More sleep, more exercise, more spring water, healthier food choices, more joy.
I've been thinking about the qualities I value in myself and others. Last night at pup night I spent some quiet time to myself on the mat, despite being surrounded by about a dozen pups.
Afterwards, some people shared their observations of my behavior and asked about my mindset and experience of that night.
It made me think about the assumptions we make about other people. Both the people we know and the ones we don't. I want to nurture my sense of curiousity and refrain from "filling in the blanks" when I interact with people. Even the ones I know well.
I want to be seen and appreciated for who I am in the moment. And I want to offer the same to those that I choose to interact and spend time with.
The interactions I have with those that see me through a narrow filter are not so interesting to me. I in turn want to share myself at a level that's as honest and straightforward as possible. I want to paint a clear picture. Those who choose to will then see me for the pup I am :)
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Sunday, 4 March 2012
DOG DRAMA
Lately I've been reflecting on how sharing my pup self with others has been a lot like my coming out experience. I worked on some paintings this week which feature some pup elements, and I've been feeling stressed about people seeing them at the opening this week because I've been afraid of answering their questions about the work and revealing myself further.
I'm realizing that it's not so much their possible reactions I fear. I'm being affected by the feelings and emotions that come from encompassing, embracing and integrating aspects of myself, and the choice to be more public about that self. I stumbled upon a blog post I wrote many years ago, and was amused to see that it still very much rings true for me. I've included it here:
Fucking Faggot
There was a time that I removed myself from gay culture. Most gay men in the gay community triggered me. I judged all their choices. I judged how some gay men talked, what they talked about, how they dressed, how they spent their money, how they spent their time. I judged their choices around relationships, their views on the world. I judged their outrageousness. I couldn't understand how some people could celebrate these gay men.
After I came out at 19, I hardly hid my sexual preferences from anyone, and yet, I began a journey of controlling my actions, my appearance, in a direction that I thought was acceptable for a gay man to exhibit. Sure, there were many that found me and saw me at times as flamboyant and "gay", but I strived to be all those things to a certain degree, to the "right" amount. I thought of myself as an example to all of how all gay men should be. I created an ideal in my mind, did my best to emulate it, and then wished everyone else would too. I cringed at gay men who acted "gayer"(!) than me, as I thought of them as giving all gay men a bad name. I thought, they were the ones responsible for encouraging hate and homophobia, separation, confusion and miscommunication and misunderstanding.
I came to seperate myself from the gay community at large and only interacted with "enlightened" gay men, who saw themselves as better than those "other" gay men. Yet again, I went up the mountain, shunning those who did things differently. There was a benefit at the time to surround myself with the like-minded. I needed them to support my illusion. I needed the gift of time before I could jump.
These gay men triggered me. Made me angry. I wanted to shake them, to shut them up.
The journey was a long one, with many twists and turns, but I have now come to see the amazing reflection they were and are to me of my fears around my sexuality, of my choice to manifest as a gay man, of my fears around being an outcast, not good enough, bad, unlovable, alone, rejected, damaged. Yes, there is a lot of healing and growth needed within the gay community (they've taken on the guilt of the world), and I am one who's chosen to assist those who choose to work with me, on their journies of self-love, acceptance and self-empowerment. I've realized though, that the most significant way that I can be of assistance is through the example of myself. Those illusions and fears I have seen my way through, I can then assist others through.
I so appreciate all gay men, for the work that they have done and continue to do. They are triggering all of society to look at its fears around sexuality, the feminine, the masculine, the illusions of gender and appearance, promisquity, alternative relationships and partnerships, harm, pain, pleasure...and so much more. They have come in to play with me, to trigger me, just as I have triggered others. I have brought out the uncomfortableness and fear of others just by being myself. I celebrate them, and I celebrate myself.
Of course, so many others in society are reflecting back to us all of these illusions, fears, and our limiting belief structures. They're just doing it in their own unique way, blasting themselves through consciousness like a speeding train.
There are many times that I'm uncomfortable with the choices that people make around me, gay or straight. More and more though, I'm choosing to encompass all choice. To see the benefit of all directions. To see myself in the gay-basher, the uncomfortable straight man, the furious homophobe, the indifferent observer, the gay snob, the screaming queen, the leather-daddy, the abuser, the dog-slave, the gay husband, the gay country-couple, the drag queen, the straight-to-bed guy, the boy-toy, the AIDS patient, the closeted husband, the nelly, the fag, the faggot, the queer, the fudge-packer, the cocksucker, the top, the bottom, the healer, the lover, the Saviour, the Messiah, the Messenger...the limitless roles, characters, beings, under the sky and moon, in all the cracks and valleys of the universe.
I wish to encompass all of these and so many others I didn't mention, and to remove all of my judgment around these roles, these masks and illusions. My journey of full appreciation is not complete yet, but I'm on my way, walking down a hall of mirrors, pausing before each one to kiss it, before I move on.
I'm realizing that it's not so much their possible reactions I fear. I'm being affected by the feelings and emotions that come from encompassing, embracing and integrating aspects of myself, and the choice to be more public about that self. I stumbled upon a blog post I wrote many years ago, and was amused to see that it still very much rings true for me. I've included it here:
Fucking Faggot
There was a time that I removed myself from gay culture. Most gay men in the gay community triggered me. I judged all their choices. I judged how some gay men talked, what they talked about, how they dressed, how they spent their money, how they spent their time. I judged their choices around relationships, their views on the world. I judged their outrageousness. I couldn't understand how some people could celebrate these gay men.
After I came out at 19, I hardly hid my sexual preferences from anyone, and yet, I began a journey of controlling my actions, my appearance, in a direction that I thought was acceptable for a gay man to exhibit. Sure, there were many that found me and saw me at times as flamboyant and "gay", but I strived to be all those things to a certain degree, to the "right" amount. I thought of myself as an example to all of how all gay men should be. I created an ideal in my mind, did my best to emulate it, and then wished everyone else would too. I cringed at gay men who acted "gayer"(!) than me, as I thought of them as giving all gay men a bad name. I thought, they were the ones responsible for encouraging hate and homophobia, separation, confusion and miscommunication and misunderstanding.
I came to seperate myself from the gay community at large and only interacted with "enlightened" gay men, who saw themselves as better than those "other" gay men. Yet again, I went up the mountain, shunning those who did things differently. There was a benefit at the time to surround myself with the like-minded. I needed them to support my illusion. I needed the gift of time before I could jump.
These gay men triggered me. Made me angry. I wanted to shake them, to shut them up.
The journey was a long one, with many twists and turns, but I have now come to see the amazing reflection they were and are to me of my fears around my sexuality, of my choice to manifest as a gay man, of my fears around being an outcast, not good enough, bad, unlovable, alone, rejected, damaged. Yes, there is a lot of healing and growth needed within the gay community (they've taken on the guilt of the world), and I am one who's chosen to assist those who choose to work with me, on their journies of self-love, acceptance and self-empowerment. I've realized though, that the most significant way that I can be of assistance is through the example of myself. Those illusions and fears I have seen my way through, I can then assist others through.
I so appreciate all gay men, for the work that they have done and continue to do. They are triggering all of society to look at its fears around sexuality, the feminine, the masculine, the illusions of gender and appearance, promisquity, alternative relationships and partnerships, harm, pain, pleasure...and so much more. They have come in to play with me, to trigger me, just as I have triggered others. I have brought out the uncomfortableness and fear of others just by being myself. I celebrate them, and I celebrate myself.
Of course, so many others in society are reflecting back to us all of these illusions, fears, and our limiting belief structures. They're just doing it in their own unique way, blasting themselves through consciousness like a speeding train.
There are many times that I'm uncomfortable with the choices that people make around me, gay or straight. More and more though, I'm choosing to encompass all choice. To see the benefit of all directions. To see myself in the gay-basher, the uncomfortable straight man, the furious homophobe, the indifferent observer, the gay snob, the screaming queen, the leather-daddy, the abuser, the dog-slave, the gay husband, the gay country-couple, the drag queen, the straight-to-bed guy, the boy-toy, the AIDS patient, the closeted husband, the nelly, the fag, the faggot, the queer, the fudge-packer, the cocksucker, the top, the bottom, the healer, the lover, the Saviour, the Messiah, the Messenger...the limitless roles, characters, beings, under the sky and moon, in all the cracks and valleys of the universe.
I wish to encompass all of these and so many others I didn't mention, and to remove all of my judgment around these roles, these masks and illusions. My journey of full appreciation is not complete yet, but I'm on my way, walking down a hall of mirrors, pausing before each one to kiss it, before I move on.
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
PUP NIGHT HIGHLIGHTS
Pup Night! I realize I haven't written too much about my experiences at the last few I've attended. Before the next one comes, I wanted to share some thoughts here. There's lots to say, but for now...
1. What a "getting a burger" means.
Things I've learned at Pup Night:
2. Being a pup amongst pups is a lot of fun, but crawling among and between the legs of handlers and onlookers affords one a chance to interact with all kinds of friendly folks, and opens up the opportunity for lots of attention, scritches and pats & pets.
3. It's fun to make paw prints on a window that's covered in condensation.
4. Some pups wanna wrestle for dominance, but some are content to just chill.
5. I so appreciate my handler, and the helping hands that assist me in getting in and out of mitts and hood, before I "...go and play!"
6. Although it may prevent you from receiving an unexpected burger, wearing a wrestling singlet is a lot of fun when grappling with other pups on the mat.
7. Pups are fun to observe eye to eye and sniff from nose ...to wherever :)
Also, some advice:
1, On the mat, watch out for injuries! I've only had a few minor ones, I'll share some evidence later :)
2. If you're drinking from a water bottle held between two paws, careful not to squeeze it, or else get a faceful of water.
3. If two pups beside you get really rowdy, duck for cover!
4, If you're saving up for those deluxe locking mitts or are looking for a great alternative, a triple layer of black tube socks does a decent job of creating paws for you :P
And lastly, on the mat or off, Hawk's 3 rules of being a good pup are:
1. Be yourself.
2. Be honest and true.
3. Pounce! (Play and have fun!)
Thanks for checking in. I appreciate it!
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
A NEW PUP FOR HAWK
Had a great time this evening introducing a friend to his pup self. Took lots of hot pics :P I'll be posting them here, on twitter, and my tumblr soon!
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
FUN FAB FEB
February isn't usually my favourite time of year, but so far it's lookin' good. It's been unseasonably warm here, the sidewalks aren't slushy, and there's lots of fun things occupying this pup. I've spent the past few days composing responses for a pup interview (Posted! Click here!). Yesterday, I spent a wonderful afternoon mitt shopping, and losing my bowl-eating & drinking virginity with a fellow pup (Thanks Ajax! :P) . Tomorrow I'm off to Pup Night, and looking forward to a session with my handler later this week. Yay!
Saturday, 28 January 2012
PUP OVERWHELMED?
It's not so bad, really. Lately, this pup has felt overwhelmed in a few ways.
Hawk's qualities and personality existed before there was a "Hawk". However, I've come to see certain of those as being the domain of Hawk.
Hawk has a desire to nurture and develop these traits:
Playfulness, spontaneity, openness, honesty, steadfastness, focus, creativity.
There are more I'm sure, but even that list is overwhelming to me. It's as if the bar has been raised, and my desire to bring these qualities into my life in an even more profound way has grown stronger.
Encompassing the list above is a desire to live more in the moment, to let go of the past, and worry less about the future. Hawk wants to cherish the present and not be torn between the worlds of what he's done or hasn't done or what he'll do or not do.
Its time to let go of self-judgements and doubts, or at the very least not dwell on them so much. As a friend has always reminded him: "More Joy!".
Time for less clutter, inside this pup's head as well as his living environment, both physical and virtual (does a pup really need a dozen email addresses?).
Hawk is making a promise here, to himself, to take better care of his pup mind, pup body, pup spirit. His emotional self has been on a whirlwind ride, but he always lands on his paws eventually. (ok, is that too much? :P)
I'm grateful to be surrounded by a support system of pups, handlers, masters and other peeps who have been generous with Hawk in sharing their own perspectives and experience. They, together with my Bf and our 2 bio-dogs have formed an extended family around me. Sometimes the outpouring of support and love is overwhelming and the overflow of generosity not easy to accept. But Hawk is learning to accept it and bask in it. Enjoying it and thriving.
Importantly, I've recently learned how much I rely on others for approval and acceptance (I thought I'd dealt with more of that then I really have!). So, another thing to add to my list of present aspirations is my desire to be more accepting and loving of myself. Really, that was always on the list, but the ink got a bit faded, and I sometimes forget to apply myself. So, I will continue to learn and grow with the help of those around me, but also learn to stand on my own and grow in the confidence that this pup has everything he needs :D
No need to go overboard with being overwhelmed. Sometimes it just means we're head over heels!
Hawk's qualities and personality existed before there was a "Hawk". However, I've come to see certain of those as being the domain of Hawk.
Hawk has a desire to nurture and develop these traits:
Playfulness, spontaneity, openness, honesty, steadfastness, focus, creativity.
There are more I'm sure, but even that list is overwhelming to me. It's as if the bar has been raised, and my desire to bring these qualities into my life in an even more profound way has grown stronger.
Encompassing the list above is a desire to live more in the moment, to let go of the past, and worry less about the future. Hawk wants to cherish the present and not be torn between the worlds of what he's done or hasn't done or what he'll do or not do.
Its time to let go of self-judgements and doubts, or at the very least not dwell on them so much. As a friend has always reminded him: "More Joy!".
Time for less clutter, inside this pup's head as well as his living environment, both physical and virtual (does a pup really need a dozen email addresses?).
Hawk is making a promise here, to himself, to take better care of his pup mind, pup body, pup spirit. His emotional self has been on a whirlwind ride, but he always lands on his paws eventually. (ok, is that too much? :P)
I'm grateful to be surrounded by a support system of pups, handlers, masters and other peeps who have been generous with Hawk in sharing their own perspectives and experience. They, together with my Bf and our 2 bio-dogs have formed an extended family around me. Sometimes the outpouring of support and love is overwhelming and the overflow of generosity not easy to accept. But Hawk is learning to accept it and bask in it. Enjoying it and thriving.
Importantly, I've recently learned how much I rely on others for approval and acceptance (I thought I'd dealt with more of that then I really have!). So, another thing to add to my list of present aspirations is my desire to be more accepting and loving of myself. Really, that was always on the list, but the ink got a bit faded, and I sometimes forget to apply myself. So, I will continue to learn and grow with the help of those around me, but also learn to stand on my own and grow in the confidence that this pup has everything he needs :D
No need to go overboard with being overwhelmed. Sometimes it just means we're head over heels!
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
FIRST SESSION
On Sunday, I had the huge pleasure of experiencing my first pup play/training session.
I went into it with a lot of excitement and anticipation. I felt very grateful for the opportunity, as it was a chance to explore my pup self in a "paws on" way, in a private space. I went in thinking of the session as a kind of "practice run" for an upcoming Pup Night this Thursday. I felt really comfortable talking about my expectations and hopes for the session. When the moment came to don my gear, I went from having a somewhat calm demeanor to a slightly more nervous one. I think it was a combination of adrenaline and excitement. I fully trusted my trainer, but I felt a bit awkward. Here I was, about to put on a hood and mitts, get down on my knees and become a dog! :D
Once my trainer began to assist me with putting on my hood and paws, I let go, and became calm again. His manner and language set me even further at ease. From this point on, it's hard to give a step by step description of what happened. I just got into it!
Hawk experienced playing fetch, and learning commands like sit and stay. Hawk learned that he enjoys being an obedient pup, showing affection, and curling up on the couch.
Hawk is still finding his voice, but was quieter than I'd expected he'd be. He made a few small sounds, practiced growling when asked to and barked a few times too.
What started out as a "practice run" became so much more. Hawk enjoyed the attention and care he received from his trainer (and his trainer's husband) so much, and looks forward to growing and developing this new bond and friendship. I'm looking forward to the experience of future sessions and further growth as a pup!
I'm so grateful for the experience and even more excited for Pup Night now!
Sunday, 1 January 2012
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